JULY 1976

SAFETY

NEW

ATHLETIC

AROMAS

Have you tried any of these "aromas" lately? They don't smell like "locker rooms," do they? That's because they're not!

Only we have the true essence of the locker room. Our trained field crews open vacuum-sealed jars in actual locker rooms. When the air rushes into the jars our experts seal them and mail

No longer need you fear being them to you. pounced upon by molesting paederasts.

Now, with our unique disguises, you can escape the sinister clutches of child-attackers and kidnappers.

Our artificial beard and mustache, for example, can make you look like a mature midget, foiling even the most sinister fiend.

If Scout (in "To Kill A

Mockingbird") had been

dressed in one of our dog or rock costumes, instead of as a ham, she wouldn't have had to fear Beau Radley's fearsome shadow.

Send for our free catalog today and save yourself from adults!

ECTS

FROM

WRIGHTS COAL TAR SOAP NURSERY SOAP

We have a wide assortment of odors for you to select from, including "Essence of Socks," "Fragrance of Armpits," and "Perfume of Joe Namath." At your request we will even collect the smell of your high school locker room!

New! Nose-talgia. Our new Nose-talgia line brings you these aromas you remember so well: Royal Mimeograph Ink! Minty School Paste, and Weekly Reader Reek. How many times have you wished you could smell a freshly opened Weekly Reader? In this journal we are including a free sample of that precious fragrance. For an olefactory memory, simply scratch this spot and sniff.

Scratch and sniff!

POETRY

A BOY'S SONG

WHERE the pools are bright and deep, Where the grey trout lies asleep, Up the river and over the lea, That's the way for Billy and me.

HIGH GEAR

LETTERS

I think both of

my cats are gay. Did I do something wrong p Arthur

No, it's probably something in your chromosomes.

GYM

If you're like many young men, gym class is a ghoulish terror. Quite a few youngsters are so afraid of making fools of themselves in gym that they feel nausea or dizziness during the period preceding physical education.

Should one such hapless boy prove to be you, rescue yourself with a Gym Survival Kit, the greatest invention since the Rooty Kazooty Tool Box!

Each kit contains:

1) Fake drama, and band practice hall passes; doctor's excuses, principal's excuses, and counseling appointments.

2) Remote-controlled footballs, baseballs, and volleyballs. They'll head for the goal even if you're going the wrong way!

3) Plastic bomb material. With our easy-to-make guerilla bomb set, you can sabotage the gym. other athletic facilities (including your ex-Marine captain gym teacher).

or

4) A Handy Gym-Dandy Can't Standy Manual which tells you:

How to attempt suicide with the climbing rope.

How to collapse on the track hemorrhaging from the mouth (using your clever sheep's blood packets).

How to implore the Kachina spirits to bring floods and lightning.

How to be excused discreetly as a homosexual even if you only have peach fuzz.

This offer is limited! Act Now!

"STEVENS

FAVORITE

Page 29

WHY I SHOT MY LOVER

FOR A TRICK

FROM THE SIXTH GRADE

1

first started dating Mikey after gave up cruising Mr. McGuilicuddy to whom brought an apple every day BECAUSE I had heard he dug fruit.

Gradually, Mikey and I became lovers and did virtually (if not virtuously) everything together. We were square-dance partners, asked to go to the bathroom together, and cut class on the same days.

Our relationship lasted all through the fourth grade (4A and 4B), and following summer, but eventually I became saturated with it and grew restless.

One day my eye caught a glimpse of Freddie, a fuzzylipped stud from the sixth grade. I liked older men and Freddie was an instant turn-out. Freddie was a hall monitor and a crosswalk guard. His butch yellow arm-band really excited me.

I tried every way I knew to meet him. I played kick-ball with the sixth-graders, I crossed the street at his crossing, and followed him home. Finally, we met, played together, and hit it

off well. As time passed, we saw more and more of each other. Needless to say, Mikey was furiously jealous. He alleged to Mr. McGuillicuddy that Freddie. was helping me cheat, he pretended he had been struck by a car at Freddie's crossing, and he poisoned by cat. When he told Freddie that I still wet the bed, I' was outraged and decided I had had enough.

Freddie and I discussed the predicament and decided the only way out of our dilemma was to get rid of Mikey. We purchased a gun!

Freddie and six other boys gazed with serious gazes as I pointed my weapon at terrified. weeping, knee-knocking Mikey. I squeezed the trigger with all my might and out popped a flag which read, not "Bang!," that would have been too easy, but "Gangbang! Fool F---ers of America!" Mikey took off running as fast as his Red Balls (Jets) would carry him, and the next day enrolled in a parochial school.